I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I can’t act like a normal guy. Normal regular guys don’t cry this often for no reason, it’s like I’m a girl. It’s stupid and I don’t know what to attribute it to anymore. It’s not even like there’s major shit going on in my life, my life is dull and annoying sometimes but it’s definitely nothing to cry or bitch about. My family doesn’t really get along ideally always but no family does. When I got home my mom was asleep in front of the computer. She said before I left that she was going to watch a comedy movie with my dad and brother to get her mind off stressful things, and an hour later now she didn’t even start yet. My dad was asleep on the couch while my mom was asleep which figures. But my mom never takes naps or falls asleep randomly. It worries me. I wish my family was happier. I can’t help. I’m mad at myself for not being able to be more helpful. I want to be more helpful to my family, my girlfriend, all my loved ones. I want to do more and say more and just be a better person. I haven’t been this upset since saturday night of antioch when I was alone trying to practice reading my talk to myself and I couldn’t make it through without crying. That was an understandable time to cry. But now I’m just ridiculous. I’m stupid and I hate myself. I’ve had a headache all day and tried to ignore it without taking anything, and now crying’s just making it worse. I miss my girlfriend, I wish I wasn’t so quiet when we hung out just now. We couldn’t go out like we planned because she doesn’t feel well, which obviously isn’t her fault, so I just went over her house for an hour, but that’s not why I’m depressed. Maybe it’s part of it. Last summer the ex bitch lied to me about being sick to get out of going on a date, then said I couldn’t come over and see her to cover up her lie, and then was magically better by the end of the day. I was so fucking oblivious at the time, I didn’t see through it or see through her. Every time I realize another one of the lies she told me, months later, it hurts me just a little more. I am so, so, unbelievably happy with Sam, and I love her and trust her more than anyone in the world, but I still feel the pain of my past relationship. That’s my problem. Or one of my many problems. I can’t fully get over it. You’d think by now I’d be better. I mean I still say screw her she doesn’t mean anything now. But in a way it still tears me apart from time to time. Now college is coming up in less than two months and I’m moving away and I don’t know that I’m ready and prepared for that yet. Maybe I will be by august 19 but right now I’m swinging between impossibly excited and terrified. I’m not ready to leave Sam or my family yet. I know it’s not forever but it’ll feel like it. And besides college, just the future. I spent a lot of time and effort on the article I sent to the courier about the band going to newark monday, and because stupid effing ed webber never got back to me and I was working on a deadline it didn’t turn out that great. I’m writing these articles for yahoo now too and I’m kind of enjoying myself, but I’m just feeling more worried about my career. This is what I love but how the fuck am I gonna get a job. I hate disappointing people. Anytime I think I disappoint my mom or dad or girlfriend I hate myself for so long. That’s not even something that’s depressing me right now, but I just thought of it because it’s another one of my countless problems. I need help but I don’t know where to go.
